Dating App Icks At Our Age

I had mentioned a few weeks ago that this blog wasn't all about my dating antics, I lied.

I’ve realised dating in your 50’s is less about finding “the one” and more about surviving the absolute psychological obstacle course that is modern dating apps. Honestly half of us need a medal just for logging in. Because why are grown men still taking photos in:

• sunglasses

• car seats

• pub toilets

• holding a fish

• ON A BUS!!!

• standing next to someone clearly cropped out who was obviously their ex wife

And why do they ALL somehow look like they’ve just shouted “OI OI” across a caravan park. Also… enough with the bios that simply say: “Just ask.” Fuck off Colin, I will not be conducting a formal interview process to discover you enjoy lager and “having a laugh.”

Then there’s the over confidence. Sir you are 57 with a bluetooth headset and a picture of your lawn mower. Please calm down. The wellness men are another category entirely. One ice bath and suddenly they’re speaking entirely in podcasts. “Divine masculine" “Frequency.” “Holding space.” You still owe Karen £38 from Centre Parcs in 2019 Gary. And don’t even get me started on the men whose whole personality is: “Don’t want drama.” Which usually translates to: “I caused absolute carnage in three counties.” and then there’s the men whose bio says: "Don’t take life too seriously.” The fuck you don’t Martin. You’ve got a heated air fryer debate running on Facebook, three blood pressure tablets and a full emotional breakdown because someone parked in your space outside number 42.

Women are not innocent in this either. We've all heard the stories of filtered photos where men genuinely arrive expecting a Jennifer Lopez and meet someone’s slightly annoyed auntie Susan or the bios saying: “If you can’t handle me at my worst…” No Sharon because at this age we’re all tired and our knees hurt. We are specifically looking for LESS worst. The biggest shock though is realising how quickly attraction changes as you get older.

In your 20s: Nice jawline.

In your 50s: Does he sneeze too loudly? Does he breathe too loudly? Does he chew weird? Will he ruin my peace? Can I tolerate him asking where things are while they’re directly in front of him? These are the real questions now.

My new obsession however is internet dating and all it has to offer and before anyone judges me… I am genuinely approaching this like some kind of anthropological (I did have to ask Chatgpt for a good word to use at this point) experiment. I am practically writing a thesis on middle aged men of the internet. The psychology fascinates me. The patterns, the repeated phrases, the confidence levels of men holding fish. I now have full blown systems in place. Every man starts as name, number and a five star rating in my WhatsApp contacts. Because if you don’t rename them immediately you end up with six men called Steve and one saved as “Maybe Plumber?” As conversations progress they either maintain stars… or lose them according to effort levels and emerging icks.

Low effort replies?

⭐ deducted.

“U ok babe?”

⭐ deducted.

Uses the phrase “drama free.”

Immediate concern.

Calls me “hun.”

We’re hanging on by a thread.

Double denim on whatapp profile picture?

Straight to archive.

Once they hit two stars they get archived because at this point they’ve become emotionally exhausting and can no longer enter the active research programme. Honestly I’m now so invested in the process I’m wondering whether I could start some sort of business teaching The Art Of Tinder.

Module One: Spotting emotional unavailability through car selfie angles.

Module Two: How “just ask” in a bio tells you absolutely everything and nothing.

Module Three: How to identify a man who still emotionally lives with his ex wife despite physically moving out in 2017.

And somehow… against all odds… Facebook Dating has become my favourite. What have I become? A woman who once spent her evenings making toy art and now analyses response times from men named Darren at 11:47pm.

Is it a problem? Potentially. But honestly after years of working constantly, stressing constantly and taking life far too seriously… there is something deeply entertaining about it all. It’s like people watching… but with slightly more trauma and significantly worse selfies and honestly I think the reason dating feels so strange at this age is because most of us have finally learned to enjoy our own company. I have anyway. This is where it sounds very weird, I don’t actually want to date and I love being alone but, what I do love is the fun all this brings. If someone enters my life now and disturbs my peace instead of adding to it… the ick arrives immediately.

And honestly? As much as modern dating can feel like psychological warfare mixed with a LinkedIn networking event at a garden centre, I’ve actually learnt loads. About people, yes, but mainly about myself. I’ve seen amazing places, had a date in Berlin for god sake, eaten some of the best food of my life and had conversations and laughs I genuinely wouldn’t swap. The thing is, I get the best of people because I only allow access to the best of me now too. I don’t entertain bare minimum energy, laziness, confusion, inconsistency or basic bitches anymore. Those days are done. So really, whatever happens, I can’t lose. Even the disasters become stories, lessons or memories I’ll probably laugh about over a cocktail later.

Anyway, If you need me I’ll be swiping left on men holding fish while sitting peacefully in my workshop with my hot chocolate.

Same person 

New chapter x