Emergency Alarms and Hairy Man Mountains

This week’s blog is basically proof that my life refuses to be boring.

One minute I’m babysitting at Charlie’s house and the next the carbon monoxide alarm is going off and I’m standing there thinking… does anyone actually know the protocol for this? Because I certainly didn’t. Turns out you’re meant to call the fire brigade AND the gas people. The gas people I guessed. The fire brigade? Didn’t even cross my mind.

Thankfully everyone was absolutely fine and it was sorted within a few hours, but it was a proper reminder that we all need carbon monoxide alarms. Please get one if you haven’t. I actually have a portable one I take camping or when I stay in hotels. Best few quid you’ll spend and all it needs is batteries.

Anyway, once I’d survived accidental near death and emergency life admin, I launched my Tinder Trenches series on TikTok.

Now this caused a family discussion this week because my daughter said: “I bet your Tinder age search is set really low.”

I said: “39 to 45. What’s wrong with that?”

Apparently she found this deeply offensive.

But let me explain myself, which I rarely do. My energy level is 39 to 45. Why would I intentionally search for a pre-hypertension, pre-diabetic, sparsely hairy man with the body shape of a deflated balloon crossed with a melted candle… when I could quite literally be climbing a 39 year old, 6’6 hairy man mountain instead?

I’m sorry but I refuse to start shopping exclusively in the “ooh my knee’s gone” aisle just because I’ve turned 50.

Now listen… if I stumble across a man my age who isn’t putting his back out from a medium strength fart, then yes, I’m willing to take a punt. But until then, the search settings remain.

Most women my age are absolutely adamant they will never date again. Fair enough, their choice. But honestly? I truly believe most women just don’t know how to use the dating apps properly. The apps themselves are broken and definitely need an overhaul in the way we socialise and connect online, but I actually think I’ve got it down to a fine art now.

Here’s the thing. Before you even start, know exactly what it is you actually want. Companionship? Sex? Dating? A relationship? Someone to go to Berlin with and eat oysters? Know your goal and stick to it. And if anyone messages you in an instantly over sexual way, which happens A LOT, just unmatch and block immediately. Don’t negotiate with it. Don’t convince yourself they might secretly be deep. Block and move on.

Also, it’s not quick. The apps trick us into thinking because we’re shown hundreds of profiles we should swipe at lightning speed like we’re choosing a takeaway. But if we expect quality, we actually have to slow down and pay attention. And profiles matter SO much. People whose entire bio is just “no drama”, “no baggage”, “no this”, “no that” honestly just sound deeply negative. Christ make yourself sound at least slightly attractive to be around. Tell us something interesting. Make us laugh. Say what you DO enjoy because nobody is getting excited to date someone whose personality reads like a list of workplace disciplinary warnings.

And this is why I actually love dating.

Yes, I can do things with my friends and I adore my friends, but it’s important to mix with different people, have conversations outside your friendship group and experience things you wouldn’t always do normally. How many of your mates are taking you to dinner, theatre trips or afternoon tea at The Ritz?

Dating has taken me to places I probably wouldn’t have gone otherwise. I’ve had conversations I never would’ve had. I’ve laughed until my stomach hurt. I’ve seen different ways people live, think and move through the world and I think that keeps you alive mentally.

And if I hear one more person say:

“Well they all want something in return.”

I’ll swing.

Because no, not every man is secretly plotting your downfall just because he bought you a starter and a glass of Sauvignon Blanc. Just like not every woman wants to live the rest of her life without a man around, not every man is only after one thing.

Although, admittedly… that personally IS what I’m after a lot of the time.

The funny thing is, starting this Tinder Trenches series has made me realise something bigger. Why AREN’T we normalising life after 50 for women? Why are we still acting like women hit midlife and are immediately moved into some kind of emotional end-of-life care facility where we’re expected to disappear quietly into beige knitwear and conversations about air fryers?

Absolutely not.

We are not over. We are not done. If anything, we are only just getting started.

That’s exactly why I’ve been documenting this whole “starting again at 50” era because honestly this past year has been one of the wildest, funniest, most eye-opening years of my life.

And I don’t just mean dating.

I mean business opportunities, health changes, friendships, travel, experiences, conversations, confidence, freedom.

I’ve met incredible people, seen amazing places, learnt things about myself I probably should’ve figured out years ago and for the first time in a long time I actually feel awake to life again.

So yes, this week included emergency alarms, government-approved panic, Tinder settings that offend my children and a public discussion about hairy men on the internet.

Standard week really.

Same person 

New chapter x