It Took Me a Year to Find Myself

When I walked away from my marriage, I genuinely thought the hard part was over.

I’d made the decision. I thought that was it. I honestly believed I’d wake up one morning and everything would be dreamy, rosy and exciting.

It wasn’t.

What followed was a year of healing from things I didn’t even know were broken.

I realised I’d spent so many years in survival mode that I’d forgotten what normal even felt like. I’d become someone I didn’t recognise. I wasn’t unhappy all the time, I was just existing. Keeping plates spinning. Looking after everyone else. Putting up with situations I didnt like at all. Solving problems.

Somewhere along the way, I’d disappeared. This last year has probably been the greatest education of my life.

It feels like I’ve mentally sobered up.

I’ve found myself again.

And for the first time in years I can honestly say…

I FUCKING LOVE MYSELF.

I love the life I’m creating. I love the people I’ve met. I love the projects I’ve been trusted with. And over the last few weeks opportunities have appeared that I couldn’t even have imagined twelve months ago.

One of the biggest realisations? I’m walking away from making and creating.

10 years ago that sentence would have broken me. Today it feels completely right.

Making art gave me dopamine. Every finished piece gave me another hit. Another reason to keep making.

I see exactly the same thing in so many business owners I work with now.

They’re brilliant makers but they’re addicted to the feeling of making. It becomes incredibly difficult to step back and build a business because building systems, marketing, finances and sales don’t give the same instant reward.

Sometimes the very thing you’re good at is the thing keeping you stuck.

That’s one of the reasons I’m spending the summer away from London.

I’m giving myself permission to step away from the workshop I’ve called home for ten years and put every ounce of my energy into building The Pink Gorilla Collective.

Ironically, it’s exactly what I needed all those years ago when I was trying to turn my own craft into a real business.

The workshop also needs a goodbye.

I’ve laughed there. Cried there. Built a business there. Started over there.

Soon it’ll become something completely different as we begin creating The Wellness Tavern.

But before I can build something new, I need to let go of what came before.

People talk a lot about women in their fifties.

Menopause.

Hormones.

Brain fog.

Hot flushes.

HRT.

Here’s my experience.

The brain fog, the aches, the sweats… I chose to tackle them with food, movement and strength training. That’s my choice. It won’t be everyone’s, and that’s absolutely fine.

I’ve never taken the pill, so for me personally I didn’t want hormone replacement therapy either.

There’s no right or wrong. Only what works for you.

What I do know is that changing the way I eat and lifting weights has completely changed my life. Yes, that sounds dramatic. But it’s true.

Research consistently shows that regular physical activity is linked with greater happiness, confidence and life satisfaction at every age, and women after menopause who exercise regularly often report significantly higher life satisfaction than those who don’t.

Strength training is especially important because after forty we naturally begin losing muscle, with the decline accelerating after fifty. The good news is it’s never too late to build strength again, improving not only your body but your confidence and independence too.

What I’ve also realised is this.

We’ve been sold the biggest lie. (and been gas lit AGAIN)

That life starts winding down after fifty.

Rubbish.

This is the beginning.

We’ve raised families.

Built careers.

Made mistakes.

Loved.

Lost.

Started again.

We’re wiser than we’ve ever been. We care less about fitting in and more about living well. Many studies even show that happiness follows a U-shaped curve through life, with satisfaction increasing again as we move into later adulthood. Maybe that’s because we’ve finally stopped trying to become someone else. We’re finally becoming ourselves.

If you’d told me a year ago I’d be writing this, I’d never have believed you. Today I don’t feel like I’m rebuilding my life. I feel like I’m finally living it.

I also know you’ll probably see less of me on me zoepinkgorilla social accounts.

When I left Muck N Brass, I used this page because I thought it was where I needed to be. But over the last year I’ve realised something important.

It’s never been about the number of followers.

It’s about building genuine connections with people who want to come along for the journey and who genuinely root for each other.

That’s why I’ve created separate accounts for The Pink Gorilla Collective and The Wellness Tavern. They deserve their own communities, their own stories and their own homes.

This page will always be part of my journey, but my focus is shifting as I step into this next chapter.

If anything I’ve written today resonates with you, I’d genuinely love to hear from you.

Drop me a comment below. I’d love to know where you are in your own journey.

Same person 

New chapter x